Monday, March 15, 2010
So... the truth is that I was planning on taking a moment to grieve him anyway. It was this very week 7 years ago that I met my ex boyfriend (and perhaps broke a mirror simultaneously?) I know this because he just had his birthday on Sunday. Okay, so I get that we are never supposed to regret things in our lives. After all, you are only able to handle whatever life throws at you as best as you possibly can at that time... but looking back, I wasted a whole crap-load of time on a lost cause. I was 27 when we met. Now, I'm looking 35 in the eye, and it 'aint pretty.
Though I moved out into my own place over 2 years ago and have been "dating", or at least trying to ever since then... I have to admit that a part of me has always held out a wee-bit of hope that things might somehow change. That he might realize that he does want to get married and make a few babies with me after all. For all intents and purposes, we have spent the greater part of the last 2 years "single" with one another. I was seeing him "platonicly" at least twice a week until only a few months ago. Seeing him was a comfort after a horrible match.com date or a career set-back--- a feeling of comfort that was hard to give up, even though security was the last thing I felt during the relationship. I had been strung along by this man for so long, I couldn't find to strength to cut ties.
An emotionally unavailable 50 year old now, I was pretty sure that he'd be a life-long bachelor. If he wasn't going to marry moi, how on earth would he find someone better to settle down with?? At the very least, surely I'll meet someone before he does, I thought. His karma must be burning in hell right now after breaking my heart so badly (and I wasn't his first to say the least). I just knew that fate wouldn't make me face a day when, I, completely and utterly alone still, would hear that he'd found someone new. Until the day before the day before yesterday.
I hate to admit that I've been crying a lot lately. I can't sleep either which is probably not aiding my mental state. I keep picturing her in my bed. Okay, I know it's not my bed anymore... but it was once, for 5 years, and it's hard to picture someone else in it. Oh, I've known that he's probably had a few skanks inhabit it in the past few months, but that has only made me laugh at the prospect of him getting some sort of treatable STD.
To be honest, I've come to terms with the fact that my life will be better off without him. I know that at some point, I'll be so happy that things ended this way. But for now, with the knowledge that he's found an attractive mortgage attorney, who runs marathons and has a ski-lodge/time-share up in VT, I am admitting that I'm sad. Why, after being the one who was so blatantly hurt from our 7 years together, am I the one who is still alone? Perhaps that is exactly why.
Sometimes we think we are ready to move on... then we move a few steps forward and look back at how far we've come in those tiny few steps. Periodically along the paths of healing from a broken heart we think to our selves "I'm ready now"... and then it grows increasingly more apparent that we are not. I thought I was getting over him. They say that it is supposed to take half of the time spent together to get over a love. After 5 years spent "together" and now 2 spent "apart", I'm still mildly on track. But, why is it, that especially after an ex has moved on with someone else, your brain begins to wax poetic about the finer things that person brought to the table and how you will no longer be the one partaking in such things? Never mind the horribly icky characteristics your ex may possess, once they have a new love... you only remember the good. (Actually, I've found this to be a problem throughout the breakup. I am tediously reminding myself of his bad points but for some reason, my mind always pictures the great ones.) For every wonderfully fun time we had, surely there were 3 or 4 really sucky ones, but that all goes out the window when you are pining.
Now, she'll be the one taking road trips with him and his pooch up the Hudson to upstate NY for weekends of hiking and antiquing, and motel pools in the summer. Frisbee on a lazy Sunday in Central Park (I still can't go there alone without breaking down, it just makes me too sad) after brunch along the way. Skiing in VT (hey, now they can use her time-share! awww), biking & boating in the Hamptons and on Shelter Island (where I used to dream we'd have our wedding someday-- pathetic, I know). Bi-yearly trips to Europe or St. Barts... now, this new svelte brunette attorney will be filling my shoes. And I must move on. Once and for all. Game over.
I think the hardest part about all of this is that I feel so ready to fall in love. I'm so over being lonely. I am perfectly okay being alone for the first time in.... ever! But I am just sick and tired of the lonely. New York is an isolating city. The fact that my ex was able to find someone to spend the last 2 months (yes it took 2 months to make it's way through the grapevine) with and is now calling his "girlfriend" while I am still utterly alone just further strengthens my purposes of writing this blog. The Island Where Women Go To Die Alone is just my "subtle" stab at some dark dating humor, but in a way, part of it must be true! That prick already found a chick! The balance of this city simply must hang in favor of the male, numbers just don't lie. "Laugh so you don't cry" as my mom always said. I will not let it keep me down, I will try and remain positive....
For example, my biggest problem leading up to the revelation that my ex has a new love was that making out with a hot model is making me totally shallow!!! (I am going to revisit this very important topic at a later post). Just so you don't feel too badly for lowly little ol' me, below is who I've been "easing the pain" of my lonely heart with recently. Yes, New York is full of beautiful models, and they aren't all just women! And much to my pleasant surprise, most male models are actually *GASP* straight!!! So, I'm trying to remain positive. After all, positive auras attract other positive auras. I want to meet a happy person, so I am finding ways to make myself happy in the interim!! Writing this blog and focusing on my career are helping too. It's tax season again so that is also an oddly welcomed distraction. No, I won't be considering this model my "boyfriend" any time soon, but he is helping me maintain a positive attitude in certain respects... even if it is making me a bit shallow when surveying my match.com inbox.
Needless to say, the pretty brunette lawyer can have my ex.......
Posted by Sarah at 6:17 PM