Now that I feel I've given a somewhat informative, if not fairly condensed synopsis of my dating situation/history.... I feel that I can begin to start tackling some of the more entertaining, hilarious and/or horrific accounts of what I have experienced in the 2 and a half years of living as a single woman in the dating world of Manhattan! Giddy up, it has been quite a ride!
Since my organizational skills have always been a wee bit lacking, (hello, that's why I went to art school!) I'm not going in any specific order... just writing stories off the top of my head. The one I'm going to start with is by far one of the more bizarre encounters of my life thus far, and ever-- I certainly hope!
Let me start by saying, in my defense, that this occurred in early 2008 before any of the craig's list murders began to spring up in the news on a weekly basis. Actually, never mind, there is no excuse for perusing the personals on craigslist.com PERIOD. But it started innocently enough... so NO, I was not moonlighting as an exotic erotic masseuse, mom and dad... no worries. I was merely searching for a used DVD player and/or something to house such a contraption. It was President's Day and I was working for an Orthodox Jewish company with a strict business calendar at the time... now, normally I would not be using company time for such personal use (mom & dad) but since the employees at this company were all disgruntled about the fact that we never ever got bank holidays off... we all decided that on such days, we were allowed to use the internet for just such type of purposes. I'm not proud (mom & dad) but I was also not alone.
Now, I highly doubt any of the other 500+ employees there were dumb or bored enough (well, maybe the latter) to actually get sidetracked from the "for sale:appliances" section by the
"personals:misc. romance" page, but I certainly was just that dumb & that bored (and fresh off the heals of a heart broken to pieces, desperate to find someone to make the pain go away... whhaa whhaa whhaa, but sadly its true).
For the most part, every single ad was just as you would expect... GROSS! I think that many of the posters had mistaken it for the "casual encounters" section if you catch my drift. Entertaining all the same though... I can't imagine the type of people that actually post stuff looking for a "lunch hookup" or even worse... the kind of people that actually answer them!!! Ewwww!
At any rate, I looked at about 10 ads before coming across "his". I wish I still had a copy of it word for word. I kept all his emails which will come in handy towards the end of this little parable. Yes, I'm calling this a "parable" in hopes that if any one is reading this, you might just learn a little something... not that any of you would have been dumb enough to actually answer such an ad in the first place, HA! Reminder: I was literally dying of a broken heart at the time!
Anyhoo, his ad said something like this (I am paraphrasing):
"Tall midtown Attorney, 35, with brown hair & blue eyes, just getting over a serious relationship & not ready to jump back into anything serious but looking for a friend to fill the void. Will send photo if you send me yours."
So... I skeptically wrote him a little email... and reluctantly attached my latest myspace.com profile pic (WHAT? this was before facebook took off, & yes, I was a loser with a myspace page ;-) What was the harm in a little internet interaction to pass the time? cue: horror flick instrumental.
He replied back right away with a very cute picture and we began to email back and forth all day!
It was either that or look at more boring old DVD players and ugly TV stands! What else was I supposed to do? Actual work??
At any rate, I was surprised by his wit... he was seriously hysterical. He was very smart and well spoken. I was enjoying our to & fro. It was like a game of tennis with someone who's prowess equaled your own. It made you want to play (or write) better, funnier, wittier. I love those kind of email connections. They make me want to use a thesaurus to come up with better ways of saying ordinary words you don't think about that much. For instance, "great" becomes "fantastic". Not that I'd need a thesaurus for that one, duh. It was just a little example. Either way, the dude seemed cool.
One REALLY odd thing about this scenario, was that his name (and I'm not disguising it for the sake of anonymity here, if this guy ever reads this it means he's violating his restraining order--- KIDDING, kinda. More on that later) was actually Craig!! WHAT? I met a guy on Craig's list named Craig? Sketchy at best already. But, one thing you (if there is anyone actually reading this) will come to find out about me it is that I am an expert cyber-stalker. I don't use it in an icky way... I just use it to validate that the people with which I am communicating via internet social networks are, in fact, who they say they are. This skill probably stems from this very story, but needless to say, I verified, he was in fact a lawyer named Craig. (I'll leave off his last name but be assured it was not "List". I'm not THAT gullible).
We emailed back and forth for several days. He was a novice photographer and I use "novice" in a very loose fashion here because his photographs were amazing. I work with a lot of photographers and for an attorney, he was downright awesome to say the least. Most of his photos were images from Central Park of nature or of different architectural structures shot all around the city. I loved his work. He also had a dog named Hudson, which I think is an adorable name. It was a darling Australian Sheltie with one blue eye... much like Jeffrey Dauhmer. I should have heed this warning.
Over the course of roughly about a week, we exchanged about 90 emails with one another. I was really beginning to think this guy was "too good to be true"... and as my father always said, "if something seems too good to be true, it probably is". I should have heed that warning too. He just seemed perfect. He literally had me rolling on the ground laughing with some of his little quips. I'll give you an example... Friday afternoon we had agreed we would meet on Saturday early evening at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I was psyched!! Not too many guys would want to suggest such a meeting spot for a first date. Here's a little sample of his charms, and this is verbatim:
"So you, me, and some none-too-sexy mummified old guys? You'll be clawing all over me if that's my competition for the evening ;) I'll look gooooood (mostly just 'cuz I'm alive and still have my skin 'n stuff)..."
Well, needless to say, that kind of self-deprecating humor works magic on me. I was a smitten kitten at this point. I could not wait to meet this guy! I thought for sure he might be soul mate material... or a good way to get over my broken heart at the very least! What I hadn't anticipated (how could I have... this was literally my very first foray into internet dating. Okay, I guess I am kind of going in some sort of chronological order here...) was that such a connection that we had over our emails might somehow NOT translate to a physical connection. DUH! The thought had literally not even crossed my mind. That is until I hopped out of my taxi in front of the Met at about 3:30 that Saturday and ran up the stairs to be greeted by Craig's list Craig.
Now, don't get me wrong, for all intents and purposes, the guy was not horribly disfigured or unattractive. There simply was no chemistry on my end. Not to sound shallow (oh, hell, I don't really care if I do) he must have mugged Jerry Seinfeld in 1989 and saved the outfit off of his back specifically for our date. Yes, there he was replete with stiff dark "mommy" jeans and ginormous spanking-white marshmellow sneakers. He even had Jerry's hairstyle... from 1989. It literally hurt my eyes. I know they say that you can fix those types of things... and that's what I told myself to fight back my tears... but the little piece of spinach that was covering his top left canine (and stayed snuggly there all afternoon so I never was sure if it was really spinach or a bad tooth!) was too hard to justify. Plus, what kind of person eats a slice of pizza right before a date, doesn't he know I love pizza, I wanted a slice too, we could have had one together. Yes, these were things I was thinking... just to try and convince myself that it was in fact spinach! It's very rare when spinach on a tooth is the upside. A black tooth is something that I could probably not have spent the afternoon with... and it wasn't in any of his photos.
Okay, so at this point, I knew it wasn't a connection. It was instant. I decided to begin to wax poetic about my ex and ask him about his so we spent the better part of 2 hours walking around the Met seething in pain over our exes. What else could I do?! What I learned was that his ex, Heather, was a very sick girl. I mean physically sick. She had some sort of rare disorder that had her in the hospital for weeks on end. He would spend long jaunts of time there with her comforting her... I thought this was very very sweet of him... but the spinach was still there. Jammed into place on his canine. Couldn't get past it.
Anyhoo, he told me that after 2 years together, of him being her primary care-giver and just before they were to get engaged (and her prognosis was not good mind you) she left him for some older, richer man she had been seeing behind his back!! This will come into play in just a few paragraphs... we're getting to the sad sad end of this little tale.
I'll skip to the part where I'm totally over walking around the Met feigning interest in his favorite parts (I should have guessed... the mummies)... and I suggest "Why don't we go grab a drink" and he responds "Well, its not my favorite pastime but...okay." *GASP* okay, now I know we have absolutely no connection if I have to literally twist your mummified arm to join me over a glass of vino! To further concrete this utter lack of common interest, we were passing a beautifully lit up apt. house on the way to the gin mill and he pointed up and said, "Ewww, who would ever paint their living room Pepto-Bismol pink?" And, I replied, "I would, I actually did, about 3 weeks ago..."
So, after 2 drinks we walked a block, I haled a taxi, quickly pecked him on the cheek, thanked him for the date and jumped off to my awaiting Pepto-Bismol pink living room to get cozy with Fannie and wonder how the HELL I'd let my hopes escalate so ridiculously off the charts?!
I wish the story ended there, but it doesn't...
The rest is sort of sad, and pathetic and reading the emails that I am about to share awakens both the fear and pity that I was feeling back then.
The next day, Sunday, I awoke to find a very sweet email with a picture attachment of a beautiful flower. It was written late Saturday night, just after our date and read:
"Cypripedium calceolus - the yellow ladyslipper orchid... One of the rarest orchids on the planet. I actually photographed this in Central Park in May.
How about, if you're interested, I buy my new beautiful new friend the biggest cup of hot chocolate we can find, we bundle up some (hat optional, hair twirling mandatory) and I show you where I found it...? Mark and Heather stay at home and you & I unwind together and have some fun. Hey, I don't only "take charge" with large, bald bartenders ya know!! You in? ;o)"
The saddest part is that if I only felt the same way, this would have been the sweetest and most well-received email I think my in box has ever known. I didn't know what to do. I am horrible at telling people flat out when I am not reciprocating their feelings (though I am getting better at this with time... not sure if this is a good thing though) so I did the only thing I know how... I kind of avoided him all morning. I said that I slept in late, then spoke to my parents on the phone for a few hours, then, I said that I was feeling a bit down about my heart break. Of course, he had to turn around and be nice about all of that! Ugh!
After stalling a bit more over with my sadness (it wasn't really a lie) he responded:
"Neither of us is even close to being ready for some sort of involvement so we can stop worrying there but I AM wicked attracted to you - your humor, your sweetness, even your freakin' eyes so yeah, I'd like to spend more time making you laugh and maybe even giving you that kiss you dashed away from last night ;) It would suck if depression made you miss out on all that :)"
Here's a hint guys, if there are ever any of you reading this: If a girl dashes away from a kiss... she probably does not want it!!!! *spinach tooth*
That sounds mean but I feel compelled to be a little mean. You'll see why.
Finally, on Monday, I got up enough courage to write this:
"Hi! Happy Monday--- or is that an oxymoron? I hate Mondays. So, Craig, it is not that I don't find you very cute and very nice, because I do. I'm just not sure we have very much in common... You said it yourself when you asked me if I was a "party girl" and although I don't think that title defines me 100% accurately, I think we may have different ideas on fun. Now, I wouldn't be so bold as to state that I know this for fact, but it is just my initial assessment. After all, you'd probably puke if you saw my pink living room!!! I agree that our emails last week were VERY fun, but sometimes these types of cyber relationships don't translate well and I think once
you really got to know me, initial attractions/flirtatious emails aside... you might not truly enjoy me as much as you think.... Either way, it's not that I wouldn't want to hang out again, but I think easing into any kind of friendship etc. is more appropriate either way. We've both been through a traumatic situation in the last few months and we wouldn't want to risk any sort of "replacement therapy" as I feel that with that sort of "band-aid",you just end up shooting yourself in the foot, as I've found from experience...."
Too harsh? You be the judge... but what transpired directly after really knocked my right out of my cubicle. I never emailed Craig again but I received these preceding scathing emails right in a row, one after another:
"Wow, you're a bigger flake than Heather is. Honestly, DO NOT REPLY TO ANYBODY ELSE until you get the stick out of your ass about Mark because all you do is use and then drop people once they become a reality to you. Fucking pathetic, that is all I can say. I am a REAL person, not some cyber game. I get that you're fucked up but that is NO EXCUSE to use someone for your amusement and that is exactly what you have done here. And the bullshit excuses you're trying to make up about why we suddenly wouldn't be a good team are insulting. If that's the best you can do to justify your flaky change of heart then stick to the dumb pretty boys who won't be offended that you're so goddamn shallow"
Followed directly by:
"I'm deleting every word you've written. Try to contact me again and see how ugly things can get in a hurry "
And then:
"If you fuck with anyone else's head like you did mine, I wish you all the pain you have coming... You are CRUEL"
And lastly, and this is the kicker, for me anyway:
"Seeing your true colors now, I commend Mark for letting your ass go"
WHAT THE F*CK??? Is he kidding? We shared some emails, a two hour date at a museum, a couple of glasses of wine (me) a few sips of beer (him) and a peck on the cheek! Perhaps I am the delusional one here, but I just did not see how the punishment fit the crime. I was worse than Heather!?!?! She cheated on him after he devoted himself to a life full of hospitals & spent two years trying to nurse her to health! I also didn't see how someone so seemingly harmless could start to make me fear for my safety! I actually forwarded the most threatening one to my good friend, who in turn mistakenly responded to HIM!!! OMG!
She said something like paraphrased: "Oh my god, this guy is a psycho!! How dare he threaten you like that!!" in which he promptly responded to her "FUCK YOU!!!!!!"
I really was worried. I had told this guy the intersection that I live on. I know a city block is big but not big enough. I remember looking over my shoulder for a few weeks, and what's funny now but wasn't then is that my mother was coming in for a visit within a week of this transaction. My brother, who had heard the story through the Phelps grapevine (we aren't related to that Phelps Vineyard out in Napa, unfortunately, our grapevines are purely just for gossip) called and said to me "Don't you dare let mom get killed." I laugh at that now, but it wasn't funny at the time!!!
I guess the moral of the story is to never let your hopes escalate to the point that you are no longer seeing things on a realistic level. That and NEVER peruse the personals on craigslist.com!!! In our emails, he seemed like the man of my dreams. I should never have wasted so much energy before actually meeting him in person, this is the lesson I take with me, really. I never exert any energy via 2 dimensional connections... it sometimes just doesn't translate in the 3-D world.
What I thought was "kismet" didn't even result in a kiss at the Met!!
There's some ever-so-artistic irony to smack me in the face.
I don't think I've really been on craigslist since... I just go to Ikea.
The saddest part is that if I only felt the same way, this would have been the sweetest and most well-received email I think my in box has ever known. I didn't know what to do. I am horrible at telling people flat out when I am not reciprocating their feelings (though I am getting better at this with time... not sure if this is a good thing though) so I did the only thing I know how... I kind of avoided him all morning. I said that I slept in late, then spoke to my parents on the phone for a few hours, then, I said that I was feeling a bit down about my heart break. Of course, he had to turn around and be nice about all of that! Ugh!
After stalling a bit more over with my sadness (it wasn't really a lie) he responded:
"Neither of us is even close to being ready for some sort of involvement so we can stop worrying there but I AM wicked attracted to you - your humor, your sweetness, even your freakin' eyes so yeah, I'd like to spend more time making you laugh and maybe even giving you that kiss you dashed away from last night ;) It would suck if depression made you miss out on all that :)"
Here's a hint guys, if there are ever any of you reading this: If a girl dashes away from a kiss... she probably does not want it!!!! *spinach tooth*
That sounds mean but I feel compelled to be a little mean. You'll see why.
Finally, on Monday, I got up enough courage to write this:
"Hi! Happy Monday--- or is that an oxymoron? I hate Mondays. So, Craig, it is not that I don't find you very cute and very nice, because I do. I'm just not sure we have very much in common... You said it yourself when you asked me if I was a "party girl" and although I don't think that title defines me 100% accurately, I think we may have different ideas on fun. Now, I wouldn't be so bold as to state that I know this for fact, but it is just my initial assessment. After all, you'd probably puke if you saw my pink living room!!! I agree that our emails last week were VERY fun, but sometimes these types of cyber relationships don't translate well and I think once
you really got to know me, initial attractions/flirtatious emails aside... you might not truly enjoy me as much as you think.... Either way, it's not that I wouldn't want to hang out again, but I think easing into any kind of friendship etc. is more appropriate either way. We've both been through a traumatic situation in the last few months and we wouldn't want to risk any sort of "replacement therapy" as I feel that with that sort of "band-aid",you just end up shooting yourself in the foot, as I've found from experience...."
Too harsh? You be the judge... but what transpired directly after really knocked my right out of my cubicle. I never emailed Craig again but I received these preceding scathing emails right in a row, one after another:
"Wow, you're a bigger flake than Heather is. Honestly, DO NOT REPLY TO ANYBODY ELSE until you get the stick out of your ass about Mark because all you do is use and then drop people once they become a reality to you. Fucking pathetic, that is all I can say. I am a REAL person, not some cyber game. I get that you're fucked up but that is NO EXCUSE to use someone for your amusement and that is exactly what you have done here. And the bullshit excuses you're trying to make up about why we suddenly wouldn't be a good team are insulting. If that's the best you can do to justify your flaky change of heart then stick to the dumb pretty boys who won't be offended that you're so goddamn shallow"
Followed directly by:
"I'm deleting every word you've written. Try to contact me again and see how ugly things can get in a hurry "
And then:
"If you fuck with anyone else's head like you did mine, I wish you all the pain you have coming... You are CRUEL"
And lastly, and this is the kicker, for me anyway:
"Seeing your true colors now, I commend Mark for letting your ass go"
WHAT THE F*CK??? Is he kidding? We shared some emails, a two hour date at a museum, a couple of glasses of wine (me) a few sips of beer (him) and a peck on the cheek! Perhaps I am the delusional one here, but I just did not see how the punishment fit the crime. I was worse than Heather!?!?! She cheated on him after he devoted himself to a life full of hospitals & spent two years trying to nurse her to health! I also didn't see how someone so seemingly harmless could start to make me fear for my safety! I actually forwarded the most threatening one to my good friend, who in turn mistakenly responded to HIM!!! OMG!
She said something like paraphrased: "Oh my god, this guy is a psycho!! How dare he threaten you like that!!" in which he promptly responded to her "FUCK YOU!!!!!!"
I really was worried. I had told this guy the intersection that I live on. I know a city block is big but not big enough. I remember looking over my shoulder for a few weeks, and what's funny now but wasn't then is that my mother was coming in for a visit within a week of this transaction. My brother, who had heard the story through the Phelps grapevine (we aren't related to that Phelps Vineyard out in Napa, unfortunately, our grapevines are purely just for gossip) called and said to me "Don't you dare let mom get killed." I laugh at that now, but it wasn't funny at the time!!!
I guess the moral of the story is to never let your hopes escalate to the point that you are no longer seeing things on a realistic level. That and NEVER peruse the personals on craigslist.com!!! In our emails, he seemed like the man of my dreams. I should never have wasted so much energy before actually meeting him in person, this is the lesson I take with me, really. I never exert any energy via 2 dimensional connections... it sometimes just doesn't translate in the 3-D world.
What I thought was "kismet" didn't even result in a kiss at the Met!!
There's some ever-so-artistic irony to smack me in the face.
I don't think I've really been on craigslist since... I just go to Ikea.
