It's not "The Rules"....

it's just common sense, from a girl who has learned from her mistakes & had fun doing it!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

What red flags??? Hindsight is 20/20 & not so color-blind!

Since I am new to blogging, I may be breaking a cardinal rule by actually blogging twice in one day? I don't care... I have always been a bit of a rebel. Throwing caution to the wind has always been my style & that sadly didn't escape my dating life.

I'm going to try to begin to outline how I came to be 3o-something, single and utterly alone. (I have a ton of girlfriends in NYC in a similar "situation", if you will, so I do feel like a member of a secret society for the stylishly forsaken). Yes, for a city stocked full of people, make no mistake, the Island of Manhattan is one of the loneliest places on earth.

Now, let me start by saying that I would consider myself to be, thus far in my life, a serial monogamist. I have jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend for as long as I can remember with very little time in between. Meeting new boys was always my forte and came easy to me. Hell, anything is easy when you have low standards... which is allowed when you are not looking to get married. Oh, you are currently unemployed??... That sucks but are you free Friday night?? Oh, you don't have a car---- well, I'll just pick you up!

Yes, my motto had always been if they are cute & fun, that is all that mattered. I never really saw myself getting married til my mid-30's anyways so what did I care?! Well, now I am there: my mid-30's and I do care, yet in large part it is in vain. Now, the seemingly "little things" that mattered very little to me in the days of yesteryear are the very things that I find of utmost importance. Like for instance, is there anything sexier than a man with a good health insurance plan???

I'd say that for the most part, the men in my life leading up to my last 2 serious relationships were all just "fluff" in a way. Just fun ways to pass the time so I didn't have to be alone. God forbid I ever actually spent some time by myself working on my dreams and goals and enjoying things like creative writing. Okay, in my defense there was no such thing as blogging back then to pass the time. (Oh god, is that what we'll be saying to our grandkids??? That is if I ever get a chance to have the kids in order to have the grandkids........oy vey! Yes, kids there was life before reality television, facebook & blogging! Holla'!)

So, I guess you could say I was scared to be alone, and that was pretty apparent by the guys I was dating at the time. I'll never forget the summer I stayed on campus to attend summer school at KU. My parents were visiting & stopped by to take me and my new boyfriend out to dinner. Aforementioned new boyfriend literally pulled up on the SIDEWALK on a shovelhead Harley Davidson. He was the one who wanted to buy me a tattoo gun so I could put my artistic abilities to some "good" use. That was one for the books... my dad still never lets me live that guy down.

It wasn't until my mid 20's when I began to date guys that I could actually imagine procreating with. Yes, my last 2 serious boyfriends were sufficiently "husband material". The problem with the first guy, aside from the fact that he was a bit of a control freak with whom I had nothing in common (seriously, not one single thing) was that he did not want to move with me to Manhattan. I could not foresee myself settling down without ever having taken a chance on my dream of moving to New York. To this day, I am so happy with my decision... so very happy & still so very alone.

Once I moved to "The Island Where Women Go to Die Alone" which in all fairness is also known as the "The Island Where All of Your Artistic Dreams Can Be Realized", I set forth to maintain a long distance relationship with the aforementioned "husband material". After all, there really was a lot of love between us, but after all... not enough to make it work with 1150 square miles in the way.

At 27, I was newly single, in a scary new city and as I have stated previously, utterly afraid to be alone. I lasted under 6 mos. before meeting "husband material" #2. At 15+ years my senior, and never-married, no one had ever told him that he was or ever wanted to be "husband material". Much to my chagrin there were warning signs/variable red flags a' flappin' left and right.... warning signs that I inadvertently chose to ignore. Fast forward 6 years together (I may or may not fill in those gaps at a later vulnerable time), and the 2+ years it has taken me to get over the fact that he did not want to marry me.... and wah-lah! Here we are!

Now, I have been alone for almost 2 and a half years now (much of which I was besotted with trying to get over the fact that "husband material" #2 (HM for short) did not currently or ever want to be my husband) and am finally coming to terms with the fact that being alone is not so scary! It is actually a wonderful opportunity for me to fall in love with someone I hadn't thought much about falling in love with in the past.... myself!!

So, now I've filled you in on the nitty-gritty of how I came to be entering this NYC dating scene at 30-something with a new-found love of myself and a security in the idea that being alone is not so bad! I feel healthy for the first time in entering into a new relationship. I feel like I will be bringing a well-rounded person to the table. I think, for the first time in my life, I have the capability to be a healthy loving partner..... now, comes the hard part. Finding someone to unleash this new found healthy lovin' on!

I've been internet dating, meeting boys out at bars, joining social groups etc etc etc to no avail. I'd say I've been out on at least 30+ first dates in the last 2 and a half years.... but very few second dates. I would begin to think the problem may lie with me, had I not had such a healthy new awakening about what a well-rounded loving person I am! So, I am coming to the conclusion that the problem is that there are just too many gosh darn beautiful, talented, charming 30-something women in this city (thanks a lot SJP and the women of SATC for beginning the pilgrimage!) and not enough equally endowed men (not that kind of well-"endowed", get your mind out of the gutter)! Not to mention, with so many beautiful, talented, charming 30-something women on this Island, how is a guy supposed to choose just one to settle down with????
Awwwwwwww, poor fellas.
Hand me my violin---- so I can beat them over the head with it! "Bitter, party of one, your table is now ready"!
Hey, sharing all of this really does seem to be helping me!!

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